confessions galore

2012-01-20T21:16:00.001-08:00

Ek din jab mujhe tanha dekhoge
afsosh na karna ki hum saath ho sakte the

Afsosh toh hum karte hain ki hum ji rahe hain
Sochte hain ki tum meri zindagi ho sakte the

khud ko kaid kar liya hai maine tum me
jab saaare asmaan mere ghar ho sakte the

Dard ki aah rooth ke aati nahi labh pe
Kehte hain hum bhi aaj muskaan ho sakte the

2011-11-06T01:45:00.001-07:00

Dear Life,

Was there not a less painful way of telling me that I do not deserve certain things ?

Best regards
Yours entirely

Last Night

2011-10-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I could not sleep. I closed my eyes but I could not sleep

I missed you ... missed you very much ... missed you till it hurt ..It still hurts..

I wanted to hold you ... hold you close ...

I cried ... Sorry ... cried because you are not there now ...

I tried to call you to me ... but the distances are too much now

I prayed for you ... I always do ...

I said 'I Love You' ...I said it twice and then I was silent.
Last night I was silent... but I could not sleep

2011-10-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Please take these pieces ... they are all yours

It was mine. I gave it to you ... you kept it well

but then I broke it ... I am sorry !

I know they are of no use ... but they are all yours

2011-10-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

Death should be easier ... I miss you

2011-09-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

Roshni kho rahi hai ab andheron ki gehrayion mein

Dil mein utha hai ek dard...

Zindagi se hai ek gila

Muskura ke dube suraj keh raha hai mujhse

'Uske bin jeeni hai jab zindagi,,,shukr kar...

...ek aur din dhal chala'

3:55 AM

2011-09-03T05:18:00.000-07:00

him: I saw a building and a train moving on the tracks…not too fast…There were horses bolting besides the train. I don’t know why the horses were so damn slow …they just couldn’t outrun that stupid train…arghhh ! (grunts in a low voice)

her : And..

him: and…(jarring disturbance over the phone line)…and I saw you…standing there. Staring away at something invisible…non existing maybe…

her : hmmm…

him: hmm…I see the curve of your lip roll up into a smile. It hangs on your face for a long moment and then vanishes….then your face vanishes. You stay there but your face vanishes. It just does…how ? I just don’t know

her : (sighs, pauses and then yawns)

him: you must sleep…

her : (in a very low voice) no…please continue…what else did you see ?

him : There was dark scary lane…it seemed someone was inside it who didn’t seem scary but did not move…and…(hears a soft sigh on the other end of the phone)…you there ?

him : (hears another sigh and then mild snoring) Must be asleep (mumbles…and then sniffles) Good night… (follows with a sigh)

(Hangs up the phone. Turns over on his side. Stays awake )

‘Why were the horses so ridiculously slow ? ’

'Tomorrow' and other random thoughts

2011-08-09T05:19:00.000-07:00

The sun might sink down one of these evenings and never show up the next day…or even if it does it might just as well rise mutated into something else…something darker…but it won’t .Tomorrow…why does it always ensue from Today ? Funny thing ...it does though…It always carries a part of today...Funny thing !

The flicker of a candle’s flame is always interesting to watch. At times, as though inspired by something, it blazes alarmingly, threatening to evolve into an inferno. At other timid moments it just struggles to keep alive amidst reckless gushes of breeze. Hmmm…but irrespective of the nature and behavior of the flame the candle just simply and helplessly…Burns !

Words have eluded me of late. These days I am not able to recollect even the simplest of them.What’s that word for forgetfulness? Ah ! right ! ….Amnesia…it must be amnesia. Just wondering though, if it erases just the facts and figures or works equally on memories as well.

I remember, in spite of the impending and encroaching amnesia, a rain washed afternoon from my childhood…my childhood…huh! It’s a distant word now…let alone the experience of it which now lives like just the ghost of a dream. Anyway, that afternoon I remember a small and lonely paper boat drift along on a tiny brook that was born on the backstreet during the downpour. The brook was short lived but that is another story…
The little boat just floated on, all by itself, unsure of where it was headed. Onlookers must have seen it. Some couldn’t care less about that silly little boat. Others spared a moment or two to look at it, amused to see it move along. Me …? I just watched it blankly…I still am…

A feather, no matter however high you drop it from it always makes it’s way down unharmed…I wonder why other things are so prone to fall down and shatter ?

2011-05-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw US living together forever. It had to be a dream or some other world. Reality is not meant for that. Trust me though, US is beautiful …pure and true. Let me tell you about US …US has a cherubic smile. It smiles from the heart…from it’s contended, loving heart with all longings satisfied expect the longing to find more love within… Ah ! speaking of love…US aces love. Amazingly, US can love in thousand ways every moment and when they are done it can love in thousand other ways the next moment. Such is US’ remarkable capacity to love that it loves everything and everyone, even those that you and me can only loathe.

US has a harmonious voice which has the melody of all the music that ever is. US sings the best love ballads to itself. US can dance as well ! You can see US’ dance even in Reality. The drops of rain falling from the sky dance like US. The winds in the mountains dance like US and so does the moonlight on a lake’s waters. US is warm like the winter sun and is hopeful like the maiden rains of summer. US is intoxicated like kissing lovers.US has the softest touch like the velvet caress of a feather. US has eyes but is blind to despair, hatred, vengeance and vanity.

US is calm but playful in its ways. US is afraid of Time as Time is capable of taking US to places which it doesn’t want to go…make it do things it doesn’t want to do...so, US is scared of Time but it is happy that Time lives in Reality away from US. US said that it knows you and me and also said that before it was US it was just like you and me !

Amazing isn’t it ?

US is very patient. It can wait and endure seemingly endless hardships. It said that patience sees it through hard times and testing situations. Not everyone loves US but US has nothing against them US said that it had been through fights within itself too but always manages to resolve them. Love helps it to find truce to its conflicts, it admitted.

When I asked US if it can ever come to Reality it smiled and said for US wherever it is that is Reality. I was silenced by the reply. US went silent too but smiled.

Virgin Kiss

2011-01-13T03:25:00.000-08:00

Let me kiss you when the moon is in it’s cloudy veil ?
Or may I kiss you when the surges swell ?
A kiss when the mighty sun is soft…
or a kiss when blossoms on breeze waft.
Can I kiss you where the sparkles flow
or can I kiss you when a million fireflies glow

A kiss that lights the stars in the dark
A kiss that makes miracles spark.
Let me kiss you with such delicate passion...
Kiss you for the sweet sensation…
I wonder ….our kiss can stop the ages…
A kiss that shall create eternal images.

A kiss to bring our souls so closer…
One that shall seal us together forever.
A kiss whose memories shall never die.
A kiss that will survive beyond Good Bye.
Let this virgin kiss in our heart fondly stay..
…till we live our final day.

30 mins with you - II

2010-10-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

The evening air was getting cooler. Everything around cast long slender shadows on the grass. The sun’s soft skewed rays sifted through the waving foliage and designed illuminated patterns around you that seemed like ripples on orange waters distorting the moment into a timeless warp.

It’s strange how we never grow old to not like certain things in life. Your smell My flimsy scarf which covered you was now breathing that beautiful smell. I still like it, exactly as I used to like years ago when a gentle puff from nowhere carried your scent to me right across the aisle of the lecture theatre where we used to sit separated from each other by a few steps. It is still the same. Distinct, crisp, inviting and so you !

Couples walked along the garden path. You looked but didn’t notice. Expressions on your face never changed a lot. Like ever, it was an unhurried gradual transition from one thought across your mind to another the subtlety of which can never be evaluated by eyes other than trained ones like mine.The sun in no urgency to set lazes down illuminating the park with beautiful dreamy hues and ushered the time of the day you have always loved .Vehicles rumbling along the street occasionally broke the otherwise evening calm. The last rays of the sun grazed along rendering the park a heavenly purple glow. You run your hand though your hair smooth the creases on my shirt and then snugly settle down your head back on my chest and close your eyes.

There had been countless occasions like this , each of which I remember precisely though, on which we sat besides each other not talking much. Over the years the talking has been less and so has the need for it diminished. We had comprehended in our own specific ways that pristine moments of togetherness were not meant to be wasted by talking about things. It had been this way for long now Just sitting besides each other reading each other’s silence. Occasionally though you dab on my shoulder or clutch on to my arm a bit tighter as if to say something that occurred to you and when I turn to you expectantly you just smile and sometimes nod your head gently. I have wondered what that meant but now I think I know.

This one's for YOU !

2010-10-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

It’s not been long…
but it has been great..
Like a soothing song,
a simple dream that wipes all fret.
When it all did start…I never was sure
But that day I shall forever treasure.

How did you become a voice to my thoughts?
How do you know when I am in pain?
Why you always deem me before you?
Why does this bond everyday strengthen?

This selfless care you bestow on me
From hopeless despair you make me free
Boundless attachment bore endless affection
A nameless relation…so let it be

Not much do I have to say to you
But just a million things I want to share
And a little question I ask…
“Can I hold your hand ? “...cause
without you life is now so hard to bear.

Do lafzon ki hai Dil ki kahaani

2010-02-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

HE was unassuming but genuine in his own indiscernible way. Most situations he confronted, he approached them with predetermination .A trait he detested in himself but could not help do away with. Self righteous some would say...he couldn't care less, just like million other things he found unimpressive .He didn't smile much....He couldn't. The only freshness that was enthused into his otherwise bland profile was accredited to her presence .On days touched by her, that rare smile instantiated on his lips and perplexed all who knew him....They would ask "HOW !?" She would ask "Why ?"..Unable to answer He would just smile some more...awkwardly....Sometimes at nights, in deep slumber, he would call out her name and woke up startled wary if someone had heard him. Happiness the big elusive emotion in his life mostly meant her company. He never felt Chemistry sizzle when they were together but it was always an inexplicable easiness with her around. She made the world habitable for him. LOVE for sure…Wonder what stopped him from speaking his heart out to her?

SHE had expectations from life…huge ones…. bolstered with equally enormous ambitions that she had. She believed in going all out, confronting any ‘what may comes’ for what she desired .Aggressive some would say…..and that was exactly what she was and was proud of it. With most things in life she was ‘dead sure’ but some things always baffled her...like day dreams of him walking up to her and whispering ‘sweet nothings’ in her ear, music seeming more melodious with him around or the mush, pink afterglow that floated in the air every time they met. With him, She felt not her bold and assertive self but a soul at peace… confiding in his soul… She realized that any pain caused to him hurt her more. Among other things She was always sure of finding….his shoulder to lean and his hand to hold whenever…forever….Often she spotted his eyes betray him and spill the beans…the unbound love for her that hid within….What stopped him from speaking his heart out to her?…She wondered….

2010-01-19T08:49:00.000-08:00

"....Maut se darr nahin lagta mujhko.....

Sirf Tumse judaai ka darr hai....."

Courtesy: 'Maahi Ve' - Kaante

Bud

2009-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

…Simple everyday events have such extraordinary beauty. The sun radiates livening warmth all day long The tall pines sway to the music of the playful winds. The scent of the soil as it drizzles on the parched earth. The little animals that graze all day long on the lush meadows …..and the evenings, when the feathered flocks fly homebound ,the crescent moon peeps up in the azure sky to lit the dark up in a dim idyllic glow….

I, of late though, was hardly noticing all this. I and my Bud were contended together. Ever since it blossomed I was preoccupied with it day in and day out. Every day I woke up not to the Sun’s bright warmth but to the glistening dew on its delicate petals. I admired not the tall swaying pines but the tender twirls of its jejune tendrils. I relished not the smell of the wet dust kicked off by the drops but the intoxication in the whiff of Bud's enamored fragrance. The ascent of the moon appealed to me no longer but my Bud’s wilting like a pliable lass at day end did lit up my nights. Time, in its enchanting company, flew by on rosy wings….

Once I, with my Bud accompanying , ambled along the great river banks. The great river whose waters meandered along swiftly. I fondly let my Bud onto the frothy white crest of the great river to watch it dance gaily on the ripples. Wobbling and swaying merrily on the swell it rode the waves as I hopped gingerly besides it. It slowly drifted away from me and into the deep waters…I panicked and cried aloud but only my wails echoed in reply. I watched as it reduced to a minute speck in the midst of the flow and then soon sank into the benthic bottoms of the great river.

I am losing you

Winter

2009-12-07T07:41:00.000-08:00

She walked away through the tortuous path with inert steps Her lithe silhouette gradually dissolving in the dark mist that had crept in to the garden and overhung the place. The sky, at dusk, had donned a hue of trampled lilacs. At this hour the vicinity registered, apart from his grim presence, nothing but a deathly silence. Reality sank in as he waved his arm hesitatingly and tried to utter a desperate cry beseeching her to stop….but the sounds froze on his lips. The only sound that were discernible were the rustle of dry dioscorea leaves on the xanthous dessicated turf and the occasional clank of a blacksmith’s hammer pounding relentlessly on smelted cast from a distance.

A sharp north westerly swept across the plane and slapped his cheek freezing the drops that had rolled down from his eyes. He was broken, mute and rooted .A chilling darkness had ominously encroached upon the garden rendering everything that once stood bright and gleeful into obscure and stygian shadows…..Thus, some day in January ended into a bleak nightfall…Loose ends recklessly left to pine….

…Winter lingered on.

The Freeway

2009-11-05T10:49:00.000-08:00

He raced past another milestone.His fingers breezing on the steer wheel as the wind whistled past his ears. The huge sun sinking beneath an unnumbered horizon left the entire basin awash with mellow orange, promising to dawn in hope. The dull stench of the loamy top soil typical to the region entered him intermittently.

He kept smiling to himself all the while. .There were no fetters now No frets either. People, few of whom mattered, had approved…the rest frowned, cursed and raised eyebrows. None of this made sense now. He had ,anyways, left all of them behind.

He had now arrived at that lonely stretch of the highway where very few commuters would bother to accompany.

He again whizzed past yet another milestone. Thoughts of his sweetheart and life (whatever was left of it) with her left his heart warm and peaceful.

The door creaked open as she, still standing tall, carried herself out into the dusk and stood leering into the distance longingly...awaiting him.

The Stranger I am

2009-10-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

It was gaining ground within me. Every passing day it spread its menacing roots deeper. The angst was gnawing at my convictions. From each of my actions , shrieked an echo of the clamor concussing me from the very touchstone of all things that I stood for.

The cause of this slow but sure cataclysm, however, was somehow undeterminable. I was unsure, shaky and, worst of all, aware of the impending upheaval . I ransacked my entire being but all I managed to find was a strange void engulfing me inside out. Scared that I won’t be able to endure this inexplicable change all the more with the weight of a jeopardized ego bearing down upon me …. I panicked, grew impatient and all it did was nourish this row being raged within me.

My existence had been reduced to a perfunctory drudge.. People saw me, met me and interacted with me but failed to perceive this shadow which had interlaced deep into me. I was dragging my schism shredded ramshackled fragments on the face of the earth with a lost sense of purpose…

The Scream : Painting by Edward Munch

LUST LUST LUST

2009-10-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

My mind convicts me…
….for the treason…the deceit…
Hope is delirious..faith is forfeit..

Lust is all that I had….
Lust is all that I gave…

….I expect no mercy…
I expect no acquit….
…..The deeds of my rage…
….now shall He avenge…

The lust for gems…the lust for the sword..
The lust for life…..the lust shall corrode.
With a soul compromised
And a heart disdained
When nothing else stayed
….My lust still swayed

Lust is all that I had…Lust is all that I gave…

2009-09-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

''karmaņy evā ‘dhikāras te
mā phalesu kadācana
mā karmaphalahetur bhūr
ma te saňgo ‘stv akarmaņi''

To action alone has thou a right and never at all to its fruits; let not the fruits of action be thy motive; neither let there be in thee any attachment to inaction

It’s that time of the year again

2009-02-14T05:22:00.000-08:00

It’s that time of the year again

Of falling leaves and failing dreams
…kisses and scorns.hugs and severance

Cries and sighs….fits of joy..
Setting suns and hopes afloat…..
‘'Things will change'’….but they never do….
Life seems complete …..missing you….

Of Calm seas….of the turmoils within
The ghost touch, the warmth …. the intimacy
…murky hallways ..forlorn with grief
Twinkling mirth…..fading desires
Zephyrs monstering into storms
…..of the smothering reds
……and the longing blues

Promises unkept….words unsaid….deeds undone
….phantoms in silence….shadows in the dark
Of drying tears and echoing scoffs…

……There will be another year….another winter….another spring…..another smile
………..another sob….
……There will never be another you….

Aaah yes……Happy Valentine’s Day

When You LOVE someone....

2008-11-29T21:26:00.000-08:00

Pal pal dil ke paas tum rehti ho

It’s in your absence that I feel you the most.your thoughts make me realize your worth….you soothe me, calm me…..complete me….liberate me.
I need you more than the breath of air, the grain of food, the drop of water and the grace of GOD.

Kahin toh hogi woh duniya jahan tu mere paas hai...

I miss you every moment….every moment of my life craves for your presence.desires,wishes,thoughts and prayers long for you…..can I ever hold you in my arms ?…. can you ever be mine?

Tu bin bataye mujhe le chal kahin....

As we walk hand in hand…..the lonely sun sulks and sinks beneath the purview emanating that bewitching scarlet glow which bathes the lush meadows igniting flaming desires in my heart….words you utter melt in my ears ,turn to music and leave my heart swaying to your tunes….you lead me on these paths to my destination …..you lead me to myself.

Tum se hi....

My days begin reminiscing your smile .... and your giggles ringing in my ears…..your glow makes the sun shine all day and evenings greet your charming grace…..my life is nothing but an ode to your innocence…..my existence-a homage to your love.

Dil de diya hai…jaan tumhe denge

Let me say…...”I am sorry”…
For the times when I had hurt you…when I had disbelieved you.
Forgive me for the pain I caused to your heart,
for the callousness with which I crushed your care…..and for simply being unable to repay your boundless love……

Aae kash ke hum hosh mein naa aane pain…

Let this reverie of love last for ever…..cause I fear….I might lose you
If this be a delusion then let reality never dawn on me lest dismal distances part us
Let these showers of ardent affection never cease....let the harmony of your love bless me…..forever.

A HAPPY ENDING

2008-02-14T06:13:00.000-08:00

“You won’t make it through this long life without her.”, asserted Aniket.”Things wil sort themselves out once you acknowledge your heart”, He continued.”These tears that you are shedding will never stop as your love would never die.it’s ‘DO OR DIE’ for you.Either you confess cause that’s what you should DO or you DIE as you won’t be able to live without her.Ten days of your self imposed estrangement have reduced you to one pathetic lot you have long years of lonliness ahead.”.Aniket who was known for his stumbling speech and immature contemplation had never sounded this firm.

Tears trickled down Aman’s furrowed cheek and dripped down to the floor below as he heard head held low between his clenched fists,elbows resting on his thighs.The phenomenally motivational oration was abruptly interfered by Debu’s authoritative voice ,”All rubbish!!”,he exclaimed.”You will be jeopardizing many a relations Aman.It’s not worth the trouble”. Aman who had been listening all the while just stood and began drudging out of the room into the rainstorm wrecking havoc outdoors seemingly unable to take anymore of this ‘counselling’.

As he started walking,dazed and clueless,the past began flashing before him like scenes from a movie.The day when He had seen her for the first time and how he had felt the firm ground beneath his feet giving way when she first glanced at him.The first time when she had walked upto him at the coffee place dressed in the magnificient black outfit. That was the first time they had talked to each other.He could still remember her elegant gait as she ascended the flight of stairs to the raised platform on which stood the coffee place….And those mesmerizing eyes how could he ever forget them

Before he could realize he was dashing on the road.”if you feel something for someone better say it before it’s too late”,her words echoed inside him as he soon found himself in the vicinity of the coffee place panting.

As he neared the place he could see the doe eyed beauty standing on the same podium all drenched ,all alone.The drops clambered on the tin roof of the coffee place.Dressed in the same orange and white suit in which she always managed to appear so stunningly charming.he walked upto her gasping for breath and as he drew close she whispered “what?!” in her usual cute manner.”Do I need to say?...”,he said.”…I LOVE YOU”,she intervened.the two lost themselves in each other’s embrace as the rain had allayed somewhat and a relative calm had befallen over the ambience.”HAPPY VALENTINES’ DAY”,he whispered in her ears.

30 mins with you

2007-12-29T03:59:00.000-08:00

The seemingly harsh rays of the sun shone on her imparting her that divine glow.She wilted in discomfort and snuggled up closer seeking solace in my embrace.Her silky curls kissed my chin,another brush with divinity.I slowly removed those strands that hung over her face revealing that indolent radiance emanating from her eyes...I took her delicate hands in mine and my fingers began drawing various patterns on the lithe skin on them.She chuckled playfully in response to the tickle,that nectar like timbre dissolved in me satiating innumerable desires.

A gentle breeze made it’s way into the room as the sun prepared to pack up after shimmering all through the long winter day.she trembled submissively as the chill even made me cuddle upto her.I protectively ensheilded her.She languidly reached out for the steaming coffee and sipped from the mug a couple of times still reclined more on me than on the bed unaware of the gaze of admiration with which I followed her every movement all the while.I sneaked out slowly and knelt beside her with a bottle of nail paint and smeared yet another coat on her toe nails...”she will manage to spoil them soon”,I murmured to myself and a smile unpretentiously adorned my lips.She turned and I drew close to rest my head on her lap...”are the heavens more snug?”.
Still lying calm and stationary I hummed the blissful tune to myself as the jingle of the A R Rahman composition sailed along from the music player...’hum hai iss pal yahan...’.

2007-11-22T19:50:00.001-08:00

Don’t you see what you have done to me?
Don’t you see how I have changed?

I waltz in the rain
I gaze at stars
I smile at strangers every now and then
I hop on stairs

Don’t you see what you have done to me?
Don’t you see how I have changed?

I walk alone on untrodden paths
I halt and sometimes talk to the air
I scribble your name on lil’ scraps
I treasure your stuff with utmost care

Don’t you see what you have done to me?
Don’t you see how I have changed?

I love the sense of your thought in my head
I like the feel of your name on my lips
It’s funny how I cherish your presence even in your absence
You are my existence now

I dream you…I wish you
I live you now.

Don’t you see what you have done to me?
Don’t you see how I have changed?

I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday
I love you more
I have to admit…..I really do.

UNLOVED

2007-11-16T06:45:00.000-08:00

Main ta jiya na mara
Hai bebas main ki kara

Dil jude bina hi tut gaye
Hath mile bina hi chuth gaye
Ki likhane lekha kismat ne

Baar baar rod ankhiyan
Tenu jo na wekh sakiyan
Ko le aaye yaar kudrat ne

Kata main kiwe din
Teri sau tere bin

Main to jiya na mara...

Courtesy:jag soona lage(om shanti om)

...ON A LIGHTER NOTE

2007-11-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

People read my blog and I am extremely thankful to them for that since they dedicate time from their busy lives to me and I am really grateful to them for that coz' time is the most dearest entity one can ever offer another (though I sometimes pester my beautiful readers to actually visit my blog and read my posts and then they just have to do it.poor things!!) but there's something I need to let out to you people,the content of my blog does not neccessarily reflect my life...I mean a lot of thought on countless 'alternate universes','the dead-ends of life',

'the roads not taken' and a hell lot of other things go in making of my ramblings.I hope my dear readers get this.so please read on...

thank you again.

TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOU

2007-10-31T08:44:00.000-07:00

I love you for the hopes and dreams my heart had fondly weaved at your glorious advent.

I love you for the magnitude to which I miss those sensuous springs,those snug winters,those soothing showers and most of all ‘you’.

I love you for all the lovely memories of the moments we spent as ‘ONE’.

I love you for the glimmer that your glimpse brings to my eyes and the gloom that shrouds when the thought of never being able to be your’s crosses me.

I love you for the pretensions of concern you were so good at.

I love you for the deceit you inflicted on my heart.

I love you for the infinities of solitude in which I now dwell.

I love you for the torment which I bear and the distrust which I now nurture.

I love you for the excruciating way you made me comprehend that life is not always fair.

I love you for your love that never was...

2007-10-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

Why do we get hurt?I have mused over this question for quite sometime now.The amount of heartbreaks I see around me presents a much more sorrier sight than the relief and the happiness in the contented hearts...so what is it that actually causes a heartbreak?many days of introspection and silent pondering I have probably figured it out...it’s expectation.it is the expectation,it is what we desire from a certain relationship that attaches the element of pain onto it.the people involved don’t manage to live upto each other’s expectation,things start going awry and before even realization can dawn on one’s consideration the damage inflicted on the relationship is irrepairable.
Maybe,one of my friend’s approach to deal with relationships is the best.he believes that no matter how dear a person is to you there must still exist some “distance”(if he is to be quoted) between them.this would give each their own “space” and then you can be bonded warmly into any relationship without risking your emotional health.it’s true probably...so the bottomline is
for the sake of smooth blossoming of any relation

we should not venture into it’s forbidden lengths.

keep expectations out of the question and

enjoy every little sweetness that any association has to offer.

....Easier said than done though

Thank GOD

2007-09-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

I lay on my bed practically motionless as the night drew to it’s ends,staring outside through the windows waiting for the morning sun’s virgin raysto peep in.I generally prefer to doze off early as I feel that it keeps my circadian rhythms proper.but somehow though strangely enough I had stayed up for long on this particular night.really irksome moments whem you wait for something and the wait seems to be extending for eons.all kind of thoughts had traversed my mind starting from the usual chaotic life in hostel to major incidents which have proved so pivotal that my life,my existence and my mentality would have been so much different without them.thoughts springing up from unknown crevices of my psyche which I never thought existed making me wander through times past and present,wonder over events large or simply insignifact,mulling over issues which have shaped my charecter and rationality,I finally decided to thank GOD !!...what followed as a result of this decision was worthy of an entry in this blog which is supposed to reflect me.

I thank god for allowing me to be a part of his creation.
For the loving family to which I was born.
For the carefree years of childhood.
For the friends who walked with me through various crossroads of life so far
For the pain and suffering inflicted cause they made me stronger and reinforced my faith in you.
For the follies and pitfalls which you made me evade.
For the incidents which made me think,think,think and think some more without being able to conclude any reasons for their occurrence.
For the people whom I met and interacted and understood to avoid others of the same kind.
For making me feel the warmth and compassion which some really important people lavish on me.
For teaching me to accept defeat.
For teaching me to accept success.
For the extremes of emotions which have made moderation possible in me.
For making me realize the worth of parents.
For the moments of silence within which help me recognize myself.
For the harshness that made me realize that life is not a cakewalk.
For the memories which I treasure.
For the wins which made me confident and the failures which kept me modest.
For the beauty in everything you created and for the occasional eye to admire it.
For the few special people who have inspired sea changes in my perception.
For all the ‘things gone wrong’ which actually set many things right.
For the people I shall adore no matter what.
For the questions you never answer.
For the answers which required no questions.
For the patience and integrity that keep being strengthened.

...I could have gone on and on and on...probably forever but somehow had fallen asleep somewhere in the middle of this untimely thanksgiving.thanks again GOD for respite from this bizarre insomnia
I woke up late the next day and still in bed smiled at myself and uttered aloud “Thank you,GOD”.

2007-08-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

.......and I shall wait.

TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

2007-06-29T07:03:00.000-07:00

I hate you when you decipher my gloom without hearing my voice

I hate you when you are the first thought on my mind in the morning with a thousand more things craving for my attention

I hate you when every moonlit night,every surge on the ocean’s face ,the first drop of a summer shower or most simply a silent moment reminds me of you

I hate you when any string soulfully struck brings your radiant face flickering before my eyes

I hate you when I seek for you mindlessly in every crowd,every street,every corner.every edifice or even in the expanse of nothingness

I hate you when you make me smile at your little stupidities

I hate you when you spoil me with your care and concern...pampering me like a child

I hate you for the moments when you leave me speechless with your stunning charm and seraphic beauty

I hate you when you say ‘goodbye’ and leave my heart wailing like a baby

I hate you when I find myself loving you more and more...

RUN

2007-06-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

No compulsions,no obsessions…still I do..
Is it the thrill? Is it the destination? Is it the drive?

I am unaware..
Fatigue is freshness.
Breathless , determined
Desperate , hopeful
Strained , inspired…
Exasprerated , forgiving
……confused.

The vicissitudes of the heavens formidable
…the blazing sun,the tempestuous torrent,the freeze spine chilling,heat…dust.tiring.
Pain,anguish and agony cast their menacing umbrage.the mind’s sky overcast…darkness engulfing.
Emotions impede me…nostalgia blurs my vision.A gust of guilt and a squall of doubt blows against my face.
Hints of diffidence assume diabolic proportions……A screeching,grinding halt seems inevitable…shall this road terminate?
Shall I succumb,surrender……stop?
A nod of the head,shaking off the cobwebs…a forceful shrug of the shoulders and I continue…UNFETTERED.
I RUN.
I have to…

2007-04-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

Neither love nor hatred
Neither joy nor misery
Neither success nor failure
Feelings metamorphosize...responses change
Beliefs transformed...faith misplaced
Responsibilities shift and so does power....
Role reversals ,character replacements..
Relationships change faces,names and then...annihilate.
People and their thoughts....perspectives and opinions
...wanton winds of vicissitude foil any attempt of permanence

Voices honeyed nor venomous scorns,
Seasons of pain nor wisps of love...
Grief in the effusing drops nor the shatters of the breaking heart...tremors of trepidation nor the hash and hesitation
Lonely echoes of the wailing psyche nor the mirthful guffaws of the contented self
Neither the darkest umbrage nor the brightest radiance....

It’s true-“change is the only constant”

It’s obvious

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER

2007-03-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

At “yet another crossroad” of life’s journey I walked into a stranger who joined me in the odyssey of life
Days went by....Time ticked it’s way through weeks,months and years as I trod life’s tortuous and unpredictable avenues never realizing the subtle presence of this cohort-my fellow traveler

This span of time is all but a collection of moments-

Moments of your vanity...Moments of my consuming ego

Moments when I hurt you...Moments when you annoyed me

Moments when we differed...Moments when we conformed

Moments when you spoke...Moments when i listened

Moments when I didn’t speak...Moments when you still listened

Moments of laughing together..Moments when we remained silent

Moments when distances crept in..Moments when intimacy erased them

Moments when I comforted you...Moments when you understood me

Moments when you complained...Moments when I apologized

Moments when I asserted...Moments when you acknowledged

Pain inflicted,heart broken,sorrows lived,failures engulfed,existence torn apart,integrity interrogated,hopes crushed....but yet my heart bears no complains to GOD and LIFE who have endowed me with a

“A FRIEND LIKE YOU”

THE FACE IN THE MIRROR

2007-03-05T10:31:00.001-08:00

Drenched,a day’s struggle washed out,I step out and suddenly pause as my gaze is caught by the face in the mirror....”who is it?”,I ask myself as a striking familiarity lurks from the crevices of the mind..i draw closer,stare at it.
The face is unique.a half lifetime of torment writ large on the brow.creased and folded it reflects the anfractuous intricacies housed within.furrowed and pale-it has been rendered by the chain of deceits it has withstood.
The eyes stoned.a gaze profound and suspicious.the weeping interior fails to vent through them as tears dry before making it out-seemed to have seen everything....simple pleasures,endless miseries,insurmountable egos,relationships gone awry,the ignominy of rejection.delve into them a little more and they present a darker umbrage of misfortune culminating in heartaches, sagas of pain and fables of failures ...so on and so forth.
The nose weary,having sniffed every emotion.the aroma of a mother’s affection,the puffs of spring laden with fragrances of first love,the odours of deception and the stink of guilt
I change the angle and notice the remarkable ears,still ringing in them are the echoes of mellifluous giggles,the venomous words of scorn,the eulogies of praise and the pejorative annotations.
the lips conceal within them storming revelations,confessions fighting to make it out,apologies and acknowledgements that never could be voiced,the tastes turned insipid with experiences of having loved,lost,....HURT.
I walk away....failing to recognize the face in the mirror.few steps paced I pause and reflect....
”....was that me ?”

Woes.....without you

2007-02-14T04:18:00.000-08:00

(thoughts by a legend,reworded by me)

Those days when you had strolled into my life....
Life had livened up at your gracious advent,the seasons so sensuously clad....pathways were invitations that destinations had dished out....the flora around stood in wait,arms widespread,to drape me with the shawls of their comforting canopy...the dusk used to usher in a constellation of smiling stars,twinkling and amusing.the cool zephyr redolent with divine ballads used to caress and pass by,
The night sky was a lagoon of aqueous emerald where the moon blossomed daily and buoyed along to kiss the brims of my heart.....those days when you had strolled into my life...

....Tears have effaced the hues of desire....all innocent prediliction faded into lassitude.
YET the heart weaves dreams of union-aspires to conjure wreaths from pining wretches....
Seems like eons now that life has been a dismal drudge but a nook inside believes that there’s still a glimmer in the dark....name it ‘grit’ or simply ‘whimsical obstinacy’....
....HOPES have been incinerated to ashes yet there is some flame lurking in the remains....

“Aapki yaad kaise aayegi? aap ye kyon samajh na pate hain?...yaad to unki aati hai hum kabhi jinko bhul jaate hai”
Javed Akhtar

Rang De Basanti...The colors of revolution

2007-02-11T13:16:00.000-08:00

The chimes ring in...the baritone vocals of a troubadour start ringing in my ears as I plug the earphone into my ears..eyes shut,the lights in the room dimmed deliberately....

I listen religiously,word after word the lyrics get assimilated by my brains....evokes responses,evanescent and disturbing,I continue to absorb the musicality

“Thodi si dhul meri dharti ke mere watan ki,thodi si khusboo barai si mast pawan ki,thodi si......”(sing the rest to yourself)

The cathartic dust of a nation’motherly’,of a nation ‘divided’;of a ‘mother pieced’.Internal feuds,sects torn in war
The odour of nefarious jealousy,obnoxious terrorism,mawkish fraudulency all so utterly prevalent,so strangely obvious-that this status quo doesn’t even raise eyebrows....people carry on,unaffected.
The atrocities galore,manslaughter plentiful-living in
an era where certitude of the continuum of breath bears no affirmation

“sapnay rang de,apne rang de,nasle rang de,fasle rang de...rang de dhadkan,rang de sargam...”

Dreams of an utopia envisaged by our forefathers gone
up in ashes-leaving behind only a contrail of the past,united Family values fast vapourizing,Generations
succumbing to evils of nepotism,bribery,sleaze,
scaretricks and adultery.The poor famished abject poverty smirking at our faces....every heartbeat unsure of it’s successor....millions of lives terminating in a flash,...the only cadence echoing are the cries of a desperate mother,a bereft wife or an orphaned child.
Faces sallowed-a mirror of the turbulent times

“basti rang de,hasti rang de...rang de bachpan,rang de yovan...”

Epidemics widespread, health hazards unavoidable – the ghastly repercussions of unabated pollution....tainted morals of
the afflicted bourgeois....innocence of adolescence blurred by abhorrent vices,the exuberance of youth obscured by besmirched doctrines.

“....mohe tu rang de basanti,mohe tu...”

“LOOSE CONTROL”..We have already lost it.The reigns of our lives held precariously in the hands of social monsters-gnawing away at our roots.
But everything is ‘kewl’ with the young bunch.
“....from the mahal of the taj,to the minar of qutub,...THEY ALL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY-To the corners of the earth,what is our search worth?what is our destiny?”-queries for the Indian juvenility....

“Khalbali hai khalbali...”-emotions stirred,responsibilities realized,enthused,empowered,adrenaline gushing.in search for answers-solutions rather.’NOW’ is the time to usher in the fresh colors of revolution-rang de basanti

“be a rebel”

“.....abhi abhi hua yakeen,ke aag hai mujhme kahin,....
Roobaroo roshni hai..”

A reincarnated conscience,believes resurrcted,powers unleashed-a new sun dawns on the tender minds.let ‘kewl’be a cliché’
Set your temperatures soaring....
... A nation calls,shall “a generation awaken?”

WISHES

2007-02-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

I wish to ....relish a quiet moment with you,
when communication shall not need words,silence prevailing between the souls shall serve to melt two hearts into a concoction –two hearts which desperately crave for an eternal unison

Steps shall coincide as we tread the red sands,the sea emanating a symphony so melodious that even the deluge of time seems to stop to hark to it.
Closeness assumes a whole new meaning when the
entities of time dissolve into nothingness

Separated by distances unknown,immeasureable when two wandering psyches glance at the night’s sky flooded with the quelling beams of the effulgent moon,stealing a moment of solitude from the bustling madness of the exasperating society to admire the beauty of the celestial wonder ....not without thoughts of our beloved caressing our
Innermost cores...moonstruck!

As the night unfolds into it’s unexplored territories
And mercury plumates to values rarely observed I desire to experience your feel-those hands tender yet nimble,sunk into my hold.fidelity implicit,belongingness rendered tangible-concurrence in every wisp of feeling.feelings bearing so uncanny semblance that doubts of their origination becoming an inevitable reality.....confusing themselves too!!...hopelessly romantic

The hues of the heavens above darkened by the heavy nimbus clouds.As the incessant wrath of a downpour on a mid -august afternoon produces an almost cacophonous clamour,I crave to cherish an
Opportunity of being together ,perched on a
Parapet with you....a cup of steaming coffee in our hands....and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears as the untimely darkness bears testimony to the fact that our hearts are unfettered by the torrents the heavens offer,lost in each other’s presence so assiduously that the dissonance is music to our ears-the music of platonic amore

A bright Sunday morning as the sun begins to smile down merrily on the globe,yet we,sprawling in the bed even as the world begins to spring into life,reluctant to actuate, to veer out of the
Phantasmagoric vista which we together trod…in our chimeric realms.my fingers moving through your tantalizing tresses unkempt and undone attempting to ease out the flirtatious frizzes-an innocent prediliction nurtured and
exuding from within slowly and silently-a manifestation of uxoriousness.pampering you with the utmost sincerity and awaiting your reciprocation....yet unconditional

As the reverberations of conchs and cymbals shall fill
the atmosphere, as the sun after having blazed all day long sinks beneath the brims of horizon and the mural bathes in crimson and purple hues I shall sit beside you here at the abode of the Almighty thanking him earnestly for having ‘me’ saturated with’you’

a 'blank' verse

2007-01-31T19:59:00.001-08:00

In a state of recumbence subtle images of life’s parables fleet by.
The solitary mind serves as a peduncle of introspection, gulping down morsels of
Melancholy and ecstasy from the past-a Pegasus.
Silence bestows a pristine blessing on the moments.Carefully I ruminate and find myself delving into the recesses of the forgotten tense. Silence begins to evolve into symphony. Renditions of a ruminating soul.
Amidst the reverberations of eclectic melodies emerge a myriad of familiar faces,from the culverts of oblivion, they surface to charm me once again.The evanescent scenes invoke a sense of deja-vu in the hurt heart and soon fade into nothingness.
As I relive the ordeal, realizing the oracular conclusion………left once again with a lovely memory….an ode or an oddment?